Tall Tale

I was married to a giant.  Truly, Bob was bigger than life. 

A few years ago, I unearthed a box of his old clothes:  work shirts, jeans, sweatshirt and some pants. I couldn’t bear to part with them all, so saved some things that were very "Bob."  

I forgot just how big of a man he was.  It’s been so long since Bob passed away that my daughters have no real conceptualization of his legendary size other than what I try to show them in pictures.  

I remember the first time I met him.  Bob picked me up at SFO and was standing in a crowd with a bouquet of flowers for me.  There was ZERO mistaking who he was because no one, literally NO ONE was near his height and his smile dominated his face from ear to ear.  Transparently, my first thought was, "Oh, my God, what the hell am I getting myself into?!"  Then he swallowed me in a bear hug like none I'd ever experienced before.  Literally, engulfed. 

I’m only 5’3” and Bob was 6’7”. 

So when I found these pants, I called my girls to show them just how huge he was.  They asked me to hold up the pants in our kitchen so they could take some pictures.  In the picture of me above, I am standing behind one pant leg which is right in front of my body...

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There was a time when I couldn’t look at anything of Bob’s without crying.  It amazed me tonight that the pictures I looked at of our wedding and our fun times and even these pants - none of them made me cry. My experience was that I smiled a lot.  There was a beautiful warmth that grew in my heart and I'm still drafting the afterglow. 

I wish you could have met him.  You would have most likely been his friend because Bob was such a fun person, so kind and freakishly smart. A genuine, loving human being.  One of the best.  And out of all the women in the world, he picked me to be his wife. I cannot possibly be sad about that.  

I wonder how the anniversary of his death is going to be this summer. Our family has so much celebrating to do, yet all those emotions tend to swirl together during the big moments.  Bob will be missed and his name will be present in many conversations. 

When I think I’m going to be non-emotional and keep it together, typically something unexpectedly hits my heart just right and the grief comes back. I sniffle or there's a few tears.  That lump in my throat holds back emotions and my muscles want me to curve inward.  I don’t shame myself for whatever reactions or feelings happen (or don’t). It’s ok.   

Everybody understands when these moments surface.  Our family is good with grief.  It has been moments like that which have actually brought us closer together.  We honor our grief because grief is a manifestation of love.