Mom's Marriage Advice

From Mom on Your Wedding Day 

My darlings, your father and I were blessed with a truly wonderful relationship. As you begin your marriages, I want to share some practical, everyday lessons that kept us strong, connected, and deeply in love.  These guiding principles worked for us, and my greatest wish is that they serve as a solid basis for your own lifetime of happiness.

The Core of the Partnership is Respect and Mutual Care

Keep each other at the center of your hearts. Your father and I were, first and foremost, best friends. We committed to a relationship of profound respect. We never swore at one another, and we never used harsh or demeaning language. Treat your spouse as the most cherished person in your life, and keep that standard high.

Actively guard against damaging behaviors. The most harmful elements in a marriage are criticism, rudeness, cold shoulders, emotional withholding, unspoken expectations, and contempt. Believing your partner should automatically anticipate your needs without you expressing them is a mistake. Because your father and I prioritized mutual respect and friendship, we protected our marriage from these issues.

The Language of Connection is Communication & Grace

Practice genuine apologies and accountability. Don’t let pride stand in the way of a good relationship. When you make a mistake, own it. Ask for forgiveness and make an active effort to change your behavior.

Offer immediate grace. When you feel hurt, offer compassion and forgiveness quickly. Always assume your partner has good intentions.  There can be misunderstandings that cause unintentional hurt.

Listen to understand, not to reply. Open your mind and heart to really hear what your partner is saying. Put down your defenses and resist the urge to prepare a comeback.  Actively listen.

Create emotional safety. Build a secure connection by saying how you really feel. Being an emotionally safe person for your partner to confide in creates a strong, authentic relationship.

Accept perpetual differences. You are two different people, and you’ll never agree on everything. Some differences in your personalities, habits, or preferences will simply never change. Learn to recognize the difference between a problem you can actively solve and a permanent personality trait you just need to live with. For those perpetual differences, focus on compromise, patience, and keeping a sense of humor rather than trying to change one another.

Small Gestures & Playful Moments

Let the little things add up. Start their coffee in the morning and set out their favorite mug. Slip a love note onto the dashboard of their car. Jump in to help with chores before being asked. These tiny, daily acts of service show your partner they’re constantly on your mind.  One of my favorite memories was the day I drove all the way to Starbucks in Livermore to get Daddy a mocha.  That little act of kindness went very far – he felt very loved in that moment.

Prioritize cuddle moments. Take a few minutes to hold each other before starting your day, and do the same before you fall asleep. I used to snuggle up with your father at night and ask him about his day. He would start talking about “routers” and “switches”   (which would promptly put me to sleep) but he always knew I deeply cared!

Play together. Never lose your sense of fun. Find opportunities to laugh, and make time to just go out and play.  Daddy was really good at balancing out my serious side and loved to make us laugh.

Understand how your partner receives affection. What makes you feel cherished might not be what makes them feel cherished. We naturally tend to show love in the exact way we want to receive it, but you must learn to show care in the specific ways your partner appreciates. Pay attention to what makes them feel truly seen and secure, whether it’s words of encouragement, quality time, or simple acts of service.  Make it a habit to offer that to them regularly.

Handling Life's Difficulties Together

Remember it’s a 100/100 partnership. Marriage is never a 50/50 split. There’ll be seasons when one of you doesn’t have the physical or emotional energy to give. That’s okay. You’re a team. Never keep score. Be prepared to pull the slack for your partner when they need you, and trust that they’ll do the same for you.  The last act of kindness that Daddy gave to me was the day he died.  He went to the store with JoJo, bought me medicine, tucked me and Megs in with the red blanket and told me it was ok to rest, that he’d watch you girls.  He knew I had zero, so he pulled 200.

Focus on what truly matters. Life is very difficult, and it will occasionally throw very hard situations at you. Sometimes those challenges last for months or even years. When difficult times happen, focus on the essentials. Do you have a roof over your head? Meals for the day? Clean clothes? Running water? Manage your worries together and keep your sense of humor alive.

Self-Care, Couple-Care, and Personal Evolution

Prioritize self-care. A successful marriage starts with two healthy individuals. Work continuously on being the best version of yourself. Sleep adequately, drink plenty of water, stay on top of your health, and keep learning.

Allow room for personal growth and change. You’re not marrying an unchanging, finished person, and neither are they. Over ten, twenty, or thirty years, life experiences will shape you both. Commit to continuously learning who your partner is as they evolve. Support and appreciate how your partner changes over time rather than expecting them to stay exactly the same.

Make couple-care a priority. Your spouse comes before your job, your hobbies, your friends, and your extended family. Keep your bond strong by going on regular dates. Agree beforehand that date nights are for enjoying each other's company, not for discussing the budget, the house, or the kids.

Keep God at the center. A shared faith is a powerful, steady source of support for a marriage. In fact, the greatest predictor of marital success is a shared faith.  When you keep God at the center of your relationship, you have a consistent guide to return to throughout every season of life.      Daddy and I devoted our marriage in service to God by trying to live the Beatitudes and Acts of Mercy together.

Maintain complete financial transparency. Take joint responsibility for your household bills. Create a realistic budget together, review it every other week to stay on track, and work as a team toward your shared financial goals.